I am cut
by TheImpossibleDetective'sAngel
Summary: 'I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to die inside just to breathe in. I'm tired of feeling so numb, Relief exists, I find it when, I am cut.' WARNING: This story contains self-harm and some homophobic abuse. Please don't read if this triggers you.


**A/N:** **WARNING: Self-harm and some homophobic language and abuse. Please don't read this story if any of these things trigger you.**  
 **Before ep 4, after ep 3. Matteusz needs a hug.** **Song is Cut by Plumb.**

* * *

'With crippled anger,  
And tears that still drip sore.  
A fragile flame aged,  
Is misery.  
And when our hearts meet,  
I know you see.'

It hurt. Matteusz didn't know how he was managing to get up every day. It was torture. His parents words, his fathers, bounced around in his head, screaming at him. "Worthless!", "Pathetic!", "Faggot!", they wouldn't stop.

He tried to grin and bear it, but it was getting to heavy. His parents had kicked him OUT, for god sakes! Their own CHILD! They had shouted abuse at him for being himself, and then left him homeless. It stung. It ripped. It destroyed him, but nobody saw. They were too blind.

Matteusz sobbed as he looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He couldn't do this. He just couldn't. He sunk down onto the floor, and blocked out the sounds of Charlie rustling around in his room.

"Waste of space!", "Good for nothing fag!", "No child of mine is GAY!", "You can't even be normal with your preferences!".

"GO AWAY!" Matteusz screamed at the voices. The memories didn't fade, they just got stronger. Charlie wasn't here to calm him down, and he was getting worse. He reached for the pack of razor blades that he had left out the other day.

Carefully, he picked one up and sliced vertically down his left arm. Then again. And again. And again. Matteusz was shaking, still crying. He couldn't find the will to live anymore.

'And these scars wouldn't be so hidden,  
If you would just look me in the eye.  
I feel alone here and cold here,  
Though I don't want to die.'

Matteusz stopped eventually. The razor slipped through his numb fingers, and clattered on the floor. His blood was still seeping out of the wounds, but Matteusz didn't notice. He was overwhelmed with thoughts and memories if harsh words.

Charlie was beginning to get concerned. Matteusz had been in the bathroom for longer than usual, and the last thing Charlie had heard was what sounded like a muffled scream. "Matteusz?" Charlie knocked on the door, trying to keep some semblance of decency. When the Pole didn't answer, Charlie gently opened the door.  
And gasped.

Matteusz sat leaning his back against the sink. He was crying and pale. But what Charlie couldn't stop looking at were the long crimson cuts down Matteusz's left arm. He had heard about self-harming from the others, and none of it sounded good. He panicked. "Matteusz, Matteusz, look at me!" He grabbed the other boys' chin and looked at his eyes. They seemed unfocused, and shallow.

Charlie sighed as it hit him. Matteusz's parents. This was what had caused this. Them throwing him out had had more effect on the taller boy than he'd expressed. Charlie berated himself for nit noticing sooner. "Matt?" He tried again, softly. Matteusz's eyes seemed to widen, then soften in recognition. "Charlie." He whispered, grabbing onto the Prince's shirt. "I don't want to die."

'I do not want to be afraid.  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in.  
I'm tired of feeling so numb,  
Relief exists, I find it when,  
I am cut.'

Charlie nodded. "I know." He moved to get bandages, but Matteusz's grip suddenly tightened. He held Charlie still, staring at him with big wide eyes. "I'm so afraid, Charlie. So alone." Charlie shook his head and moved closer to Matteusz, carefully looping his arms around the other boys' back. "You're not alone now. I'm here. I'll protect you, I promise. I promise Matteusz."  
"They hate me." Charlie knew immediately who he was talking about. "Shh." Charlie reached up a hand to stroke Matteusz's hair. "Don't think about them." Matteusz sobbed into Charlie's shoulder. "They called me a faggot. A waste of space. I'm their SON, and they called me a waste of space!" Charlie held Matteusz gently and rocked him. "Well, they're not here now, I am, and I am glad that you are here to waste space, because if you weren't, I would be a very lonely and sad alien. Okay?" Matteusz nodded, and gave Charlie a small smile.

"I love you, Matteusz, please don't do this to yourself. Let me help you, please. Thus doesn't have to be how you deal with your problems anymore." Charlie held his breath as Matteusz looked at him. "Okay." Matteusz got to his feet with Charlie's help, and stared at his boyfriend. "I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you." Charlie pulled him into the bedroom.

"You won't. Never. Live, please."Matteusz smiled. "I'll try." Another sob forced it's way out. Thus incident was far from over, but at least it wouldn't happen again. Charlie counted that as a small victory. Matteusz was alive. And he would get through it.

He just needed Charlie's help.


End file.
